ARTICLE: HOLIDAY GRIEF: A TIME OF INCONGRUENCE

We are approaching the time of year when those who are grieving often say they just want to go to sleep and wake up when it's over. In other words, the holiday season is so difficult that we simply want to go away and come back when there are no more twinkling lights, holiday songs in the background, or strong suggestions of family togetherness.

There is something jarring about the incongruence between what's happening all around you and what it feels like on the inside. This incongruence can be disorienting and exhausting. We begin this time as Thanksgiving approaches and continue past the celebration of the new year, sometimes into February, when Valentine's Day happens. So, it seems appropriate to offer some suggestions for moving through this time with a little less stress and an increased ability to tolerate, if not even somewhat appreciate the seasonal cheer. So, here are six ideas to help you in these days ahead.

1. Plan Ahead - Instead of giving in to the temptation to avoid thinking about the holidays try planning now for how you are going to get through the next few months with the greatest ease. Think about the people with whom you feel the most comfortable and able to just be yourself. These are the folks with whom you want to share the very special moments of the season so that you can really let down your armor and do what you need to do for yourself.
2. What's Most Important - Think about each holiday and what parts of that day or celebration are most important for you. What is it on that day that is truly the essence of the day for you? In other words, if you didn't have turkey on Thanksgiving could it still be Thanksgiving for you? If there are other members of your family to be included in these decisions, have this conversation and ask each person what they need. Once the needed elements have been determined, eliminate those parts that are not important, giving you some relief.
3. New and Old Traditions - Take some time to consider your family traditions around each holiday. What traditions to you want to include this year? Are there some traditions that just seem too painful to include this year? It's OK to decide to not do them. Maybe next year you will want to bring that tradition back or maybe you won't. Remember that traditions are about what is meaningful for you and your family. When the meaning is gone or even overshadowed by something else there is no need to go through empty motions. Perhaps you want to create some new ritual to include a way of remembering your loved one. There are many ways of doing this. Please see our website for specific ideas.
4. Ask for Help - Friends and family often offer to help those who are grieving. Often these people have no idea what kind of help is needed. So, it's up to those who are grieving to let them know. During the holidays there are numerous ways that you can engage people in helping you through the season. Instead of trying to do those dreaded holiday cards, if you decide you must do them, ask for help. Invite your friend to come and share coffee/tea as you do this difficult chore. If decorating, baking, and shopping are deemed absolutely necessary, don't do it alone. Ask a friend to help you or even just do some baking for you. It is hard to ask for help, particularly if you've always been the one to do the caregiving, but remember how good it feels when you are able to help. Give others the opportunity to have this sense of helpfulness too.
5. Take Breaks - Take frequent breaks from whatever you are doing related to the holiday season; far more often than you might have under normal conditions. Engage in something that is not holiday focused. Allow yourself to move in and out of this season; at least emotionally.
6. Nurture Yourself - Grief combined with the energy you are using to cope with the season may really mean exhaustion for you. Be sure to "refill" yourself with rest, quiet time, and activities that are life giving for you. In fact, now is the time to make a list of those for yourself so that you can have it as a reference when the stressful times come along. Think about things such as leisure reading, taking a walk, a bubble bath, hiking, getting a massage, listening to music, going to a movie, knitting, going for a drive in the country, sitting by the lake, etc. During this season include these nurturing activities in your daily routine more often than normally. It will help to balance you during this difficult time.
   You may also find it helpful to participate in a special support group focused on the holiday time period and the special challenges it presents to those who are grieving.

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