Understanding Your Grieving Child or Adolescent

Until very recently, child grief was not even considered a subject for discussion. The common comment related to children and loss has been, “Children are resilient - they will bounce back.” The truth is some children are resilient enough to return to a sense of balance without therapy following a significant loss. It is easier for children to “bounce back” following loss when the child's grief is appropriately responded to in the context of the family. Responding appropriately involves understanding the nature of children's grief as distinctly different than the grief response of an adult.   The following are the primary characteristics of child grief:

Children actively grieve in “small bites”.

This is because of their limited experience with and ability to cope with intense emotions related to the loss of a significant person in their life.

Children who have experienced the loss of a significant person feel different.

Often a child will say they feel as if they are wearing a label that reads “My Father (mother, sister, etc.) Died!” When a child feels different from his peers this impacts their level of confidence, ability to be in a relationship, and their perception of his/her world.

Children in grief often secretly carry a sense of responsibility for the loss.

Because of the egocentric nature of children they most often assume that everything in their world revolves around them, including the reason for upset and grief in a household. Their stories of guilt are often amazing as they seem so illogical and unbelievable to an adult. But we must remember that for the child these connections related to their responsibility in a situation make perfect sense.  Listening for any hint of guilt is imperative. No one wants their child to carry around the heavy burden of feeling responsible for the loss of someone they love.  

The most common feeling for a child following a significant loss is anxiety and fear, rather than the feeling of sadness most of us assume comes first.   

This anxiety and fear is related to their worries about how their needs will be met in this new situation, worries about losing someone else, and worries about their perception of their world as unsafe.

Children's grief is not merely an experience of heart and head, it is also quite physical!

School nurses report a significant change in the number of visits to the nurse following a loss of a family member. Children complain of headaches, stomach aches, and more. These complaints are REAL and are often related to the level of anxiety and stress a grieving child carries.

Children grieve as a part of a family system.  

To a large degree, the way in which a child responds to loss is dependent upon the grief pattern of those who are the primary caregivers for the child. In the midst of a grieving family, children often sense they have lost their voice and role amidst the sadness and changes within the system. Often the child is uncertain as to how to act and react in this new situation. He/She may wonder whether or not it is alright to feel happy sometimes. Questions and worries may be left unspoken as the child fears upsetting the adults. In short, the impact of the family's response to the loss on the child's process is huge.